Is there really a way to prepare for a human person exiting your body? I don’t think so. In fact, I even questioned attending the Labor and Delivery class being offered by Women’s and Infants. I know we all poop on the table. Maybe that’s enough information. However, my husband is a strong believer in “the more information the better,” so off we went. Here are my thoughts from the day:
9:04am – And we’re late. We’re late and we have iced coffee. We are officially those late people.
9:06am – Wow. Only four other couples besides us. That’s nice. Oh, that girl is wearing the shirt I tried on at Motherhood Maternity the other day. She looks so cute. I looked like Saturn. She was probably also on time for this class.
9:10am – Our instructor is really upbeat and engaging for this early on a Saturday morning. I’m not sure how I feel about this.
9:11am – The instructor just demonstrated how to help sciatic back pain by leaning over and vigorously massaging her right bum cheek with a tennis ball. She’s all in and so am I.
10:00am – Oh good. We’re using fruits to represent just how big your cervix gets dilated during labor. “When it’s a grapefruit, we push!” Our instructor seems thrilled about this. I never enjoyed grapefruits anyway.
10:32am – The first video we watch is going to show a woman going through natural labor. I watched a Netflix documentary on the benefits of natural labor. Women throughout history have gone through this beautiful experience of bringing life into the world and I would be honored to continue that tradition.
10:40pm – Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
10:47am – This woman is still moaning in agony. Who’s idea was this video? Who’s idea was having a baby?
10:53am – Sixteen hours have passed on screen. She still sounds like a dying llama. I wonder if I can just go upstairs and get a C section right now. Do they accept walk-ins?
10:55am – Oh there’s the baby. That part didn’t even seem that bad compared to the horrifying journey leading up to it.
11:00am – Lunch. Andy and I sit across each other silently at Au Bon Pain in the hospital lobby. “So epidural?” he says. No need to answer.
12:30pm – We watch two more videos after lunch. Both include drugs. Neither woman seems to have a particularly good time. How is Earth so overpopulated if this is the way we get people?
12:32pm – Videos are over. I feel like I survived something already. Now our instructor is telling us about the Stork Club Meal, which is a gourmet, candlelit dinner for two they offer after the baby is born. Only thirty bucks for dinner for two?? We can spend that at Chipotle if we’re feeling fancy. I have found the perk of going through labor.
12:47pm –Time to learn distraction techniques, besides the promise of a reasonably priced dinner, to get me through all this.
12:50pm – …really? Hand massages? Will Andy massaging my hands really distract me from my nether regions being ripped apart?
12:51pm – Nope. Doesn’t even distract me from the spinach in Andy’s teeth.
12:52pm – Oh, Andy is displeased with how the lotion feels on his hands. Poor guy. I really should support him during this difficult time.
1:00pm – Now time for Andy to learn and practice other massage techniques. This I can get behind. I like this part of labor and delivery class. Go instructor!
2:30pm – Time to go home after a relaxing afternoon of massage and meditation. It’s almost as if they’re trying to get us to forget something…
All that said, it was a really great class. My husband is correct – the more information the better. At least now as I descend into the fiery pits of hell, or ya know, labor, I’ll have a clear understanding of everything that’s happening to me and the baby. But if Andy tries to give me a hand massage to quell the pain, I might not be the only one who needs heavy drugs.