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Thoughts During Labor and Delivery Class

Is there really a way to prepare for a human person exiting your body? I don’t think so. In fact, I even questioned attending the Labor and Delivery class being offered by Women’s and Infants.  I know we all poop on the table. Maybe that’s enough information. However, my husband is a strong believer in “the more information the better,” so off we went. Here are my thoughts from the day: 

9:04am – And we’re late. We’re late and we have iced coffee. We are officially those late people.

9:06am – Wow. Only four other couples besides us. That’s nice. Oh, that girl is wearing the shirt I tried on at Motherhood Maternity the other day. She looks so cute. I looked like Saturn. She was probably also on time for this class.

9:10am – Our instructor is really upbeat and engaging for this early on a Saturday morning. I’m not sure how I feel about this.

9:11am – The instructor just demonstrated how to help sciatic back pain by leaning over and vigorously massaging her right bum cheek with a tennis ball. She’s all in and so am I.

10:00am – Oh good. We’re using fruits to represent just how big your cervix gets dilated during labor. “When it’s a grapefruit, we push!” Our instructor seems thrilled about this. I never enjoyed grapefruits anyway.

labor and delivery class providence moms blog

Yummy.

10:32am – The first video we watch is going to show a woman going through natural labor. I watched a Netflix documentary on the benefits of natural labor. Women throughout history have gone through this beautiful experience of bringing life into the world and I would be honored to continue that tradition.

10:40pm – Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

10:47am – This woman is still moaning in agony. Who’s idea was this video? Who’s idea was having a baby?

10:53am – Sixteen hours have passed on screen. She still sounds like a dying llama. I wonder if I can just go upstairs and get a C section right now. Do they accept walk-ins?

10:55am – Oh there’s the baby. That part didn’t even seem that bad compared to the horrifying journey leading up to it.

labor and delivery class providence moms blog

Look how happy the woman in this photo is. Clearly she didn’t watch the videos.

11:00am – Lunch. Andy and I sit across each other silently at Au Bon Pain in the hospital lobby. “So epidural?” he says. No need to answer.

12:30pm – We watch two more videos after lunch. Both include drugs. Neither woman seems to have a particularly good time. How is Earth so overpopulated if this is the way we get people?

12:32pm – Videos are over. I feel like I survived something already. Now our instructor is telling us about the Stork Club Meal, which is a gourmet, candlelit dinner for two they offer after the baby is born. Only thirty bucks for dinner for two?? We can spend that at Chipotle if we’re feeling fancy. I have found the perk of going through labor.

12:47pm –Time to learn distraction techniques, besides the promise of a reasonably priced dinner, to get me through all this.

12:50pm – …really? Hand massages? Will Andy massaging my hands really distract me from my nether regions being ripped apart?

12:51pm – Nope. Doesn’t even distract me from the spinach in Andy’s teeth.

12:52pm – Oh, Andy is displeased with how the lotion feels on his hands. Poor guy. I really should support him during this difficult time.

labor and delivery class providence moms blog

I’m already more relaxed.

1:00pm – Now time for Andy to learn and practice other massage techniques. This I can get behind. I like this part of labor and delivery class. Go instructor!

2:30pm – Time to go home after a relaxing afternoon of massage and meditation. It’s almost as if they’re trying to get us to forget something…

All that said, it was a really great class. My husband is correct – the more information the better. At least now as I descend into the fiery pits of hell, or ya know, labor, I’ll have a clear understanding of everything that’s happening to me and the baby. But if Andy tries to give me a hand massage to quell the pain, I might not be the only one who needs heavy drugs.

One Response to Thoughts During Labor and Delivery Class

  1. Cyndi Soares July 19, 2017 at 8:42 am #

    So funny! Loved it! She is going to embrace motherhood with humor and plenty of love. Sometimes that’s what you need! What a great piece!! Congratulations Alicia and Andy!