I truly do not that think I have ever cared about anything in my life as much as I care about being a good mother. Raising happy, healthy, well-adjusted children is so important to me that I can get a little obsessive about it. I’m a perfectionist in general, but I really take it to the next level with how I care for my kids.
But how can I possibly be a perfectionist when the people in my family have so many darn NEEDS? There’s only one of me, and I’ve got to take care of myself too! Before my first son was born, I was under the impression that once I was a mother, I would no longer have needs of my own. Sleep, food, social interaction – in my little fantasy in my head, nothing would be important anymore, so long as I was caring for my precious little one.
I’m sure you know where this is going. Starting just hours after he was born, I wrestled with how I could possibly fulfill both of our needs. How in the world was I supposed to recover from pushing an eight-ish pound watermelon out of me while simultaneously waking up to feed that watermelon every two hours? I have an amazing husband, but he couldn’t breastfeed or magically heal my lady bits. After getting a total of eight hours of sleep over a four day period of time, I was thoroughly frustrated with myself for not being the perfect parent I had envisioned. I was supposed to be enjoying every moment, darnit!! That was the plan! Nevermind that no human can enjoy anything on two hours of sleep a night.
It took me a while to realize that my needs count too. I cannot be the mom I want to be without caring for myself, both physically and emotionally. It’s something I still wrestle with today. I feel guilty (thrilled, but guilty) whenever I leave my children to have some adult time. I know that’s it’s ridiculous, but I can’t help it. Somewhere deep inside my brain, there’s this little voice saying that I should be able to fulfill every one of my children’s needs, especially since I’m a stay-at-home mom. By this time, I’m at least comfortable telling that voice to shut it.
But now that I have two little ones, meeting everyone’s needs is even more of a balancing act. I spend a lot of time rolling ideas around in my brain about how to best go about caring for everyone, and I usually come up with a decent plan. But we all know what happens when you mix plans and children. Total chaos. On a recent weekday, I planned to put the baby down for a morning nap, during which I would have some one-on-one play time with my three-year-old. I’d take everyone to the grocery store when the baby woke up, grabbing a coffee for myself on the way. Afterward, we’d come back for lunch and both children’s afternoon naps. Meets everyone’s needs and sounds so simple!
Well, the baby decided to snooze for only half an hour, which meant that he was overtired, and my three-year-old was not happy that his playtime with Mom got cut short. So no one was happy during the grocery store trip, and I felt crazy rushed to get everyone home and fed before total meltdown city occurred. When this kind of day happens, I feel like such a failure. How am I possibly this bad at meeting everyone’s needs? Shouldn’t I be able to make our lives run more smoothly?
What I tell myself over and over again is that with two little ones, two adults, and a dog, there is no possible way for things to run optimally at all times. The baby’s nap might get cut short. My older son might have some extra junk in his lunchbox instead of fruit. They might have more screen time than I’d like and sometimes eat in the car because we’re running late. And guess what? That’s okay. They will survive. Life is not perfect. It’s not optimal. And they don’t need it to be in order to be happy and healthy. They are fiercely loved, and I am teaching them to roll with the punches and be resilient and flexible, which actually are characteristics of a well-adjusted adult. And maybe at some point soon this (semi) well-adjusted adult will be able to let go of being a perfectionist and just do her best.
