Gone, But Not Forgotten: the Grief of Losing a Loved One

This past fall, my uncle lost his battle with cancer. While expected, his decline happened much faster than anticipated. However, I am sure those closest to him do not feel that way. It is also fair to say that even when you are prepared for the worst, it does not make a loss any easier to bear. His absence will leave a hole in our lives. Our family get-togethers will be a little quieter. We will miss his humor and infectious laugh. Our lives will be less bright without him.

Over the past few weeks, I have grieved. I have grieved for my mother and her siblings who lost their brother. I have grieved for my aunt, who lost her partner of 44 years and for his grandchildren, who lost their papa. However, it is my cousins, who lost their father, that affects me the most. I know it is because I see myself in them. I know it because I, like them, have been blessed with incredibly involved parents who still continue to shape my life.

On the day of the funeral, when my cousin got up to give her eulogy, she opened with “how could I possibly tell you everything I need to about my dad? How can I put into words how much he will be missed?” and my heart shattered into a million pieces. She was right. There was no way she could possibly convey all the love he had given to them or the love they returned. There are memories and funny stories to share, but those do not even scratch the surface. How can you put into words the unconditional love you received? Stories cannot explain the unspoken moments, nuisances, and love that surrounds them.  There is no way to really explain how someone has touched your entire life to the moment they were taken from you.

As a child, I never imagined how much I would need my parents as an adult. Even more unexpected was how desperately I would need them when I became a parent. My parents are my go to. I call them to ask advice, share funny stories, vent, and validate my own parenting. They lift me up when I am deflated and bring me back down when I am a bit over the top. Often, they tell me the truth, even when I may not want to hear it. They love my babies and would do anything for them. They would do anything for me. I do not know what I would do without them.

My aunt and cousins’ loss is tremendous. I know that the holidays will be hard for them. They just spent their first Thanksgiving without him. His birthday quietly crept up on us, only he did not gain another year. The Christmas season was less joyous. This time of year is chock full of memories. These memories bring joy, but also sorrow. There is never a good time to lose someone, but I am sure the holiday season is especially difficult.

However, I think it will be the day to day life that will catch them the most off guard. It will be the days they reach for their cell phone to call dad, only to realize he will not pick up. Or it might be the song on the radio that reminds them of him. It could be a funny phrase or a look one of their daughters’ gives them that will catch them by surprise. It will be all the small parts of life that will remind them of his love.

Their grieving process will never end. You cannot just forget someone you love so deeply. Yes, life will continue on, but you cannot erase their presence in your life. I find the only true way to honor their memory is to try and love others as deeply as they loved you. Maybe then their legacy can truly live on.