When you see your legs in shorts after a collage of family vacation photos, it hits you. There is no way around it. Sorry Cher, but you can’t turn back time.
Face it. I am 46. A happy 46-year-old mother of two, mind you. And although I thoroughly enjoy being 46, there are side effects that come along with it. Little hints that make you acutely aware of your age.
You know you’re a mid-life mother when:
• Random injuries come from the lamest activities. (Like grocery shopping in heels as opposed to mountain biking.)
• Every time you spot a public ladies room, you go…just in case.
• You have come to terms with the fact that you can never do jumping jacks again without peeing a little.
• 9 p.m. used to be the time you’d leave to go out with friends. Now it’s the time you head up to bed.
• Girls’ night typically begins at 5 p.m., which thankfully means you can still head up to bed by 9 p.m.
• When a friend has to cancel plans, you secretly look forward to putting on your PJ pants and a Mommy Dearest-style facial mask.
• You know what Bat Wings are, but you prefer the term Arm Dangle.
• There is no other way of saying Back Fat. It is what it is.
• You see a photo and don’t recognize yourself.
• You no longer work out so you can eat more, you work out so you can function the next day.
• When you don’t eat right, you pay for it. All week long.
• You could care less what people think of you. (But you swear under your breath every time you see your reflection in sleeveless blouses, tops or dresses.)
• When you don’t get enough sleep, you wake up feeling like you’ve been hit by a frying pan, your eyes turn into slits and you secretly wish you could stay in bed.
• About the time you finally get used to Instagram, you realize “kids these days” are using SnapChat.
• You use the term “kids these days” without even realizing it.
• Nursing a hangover takes more than a nap and a cheeseburger.
• Your new mid-life hangover remedy: Multiply the number of drinks you have by .5 to find out how many days you need to feel normal again. (If tequila is involved, count on doubling that formula.)
• You wake up in a pool of sweat almost every morning from night sweats.
• Five hours of continuous sleep is like a God-send.
• Your neck is sore, not because you went hang-gliding, but because you “slept on it wrong.”
• You wear a panty liner just in case you sneeze.
• You wear a panyt liner just in case you laugh.
• You wear a panty liner just in case you drive over a speed bump.
• And last but not least: You sneeze loudly in public just in case you pass gas.