Over the last few weeks, I have been following the college admissions scandal. The press has latched on to the celebrity of it – wealthy parents with entitled children who used their influence to cheat the system. People with seemingly unlimited funds photoshopping their child’s head onto the body of a water polo player. Professionals who work at these colleges being blinded by bribes. While these things certainly got the story a lot of press, as the mother of a teenager I was offended for other reasons.
The New York Times recently had an article about “snowplow parents.” Unlike helicopter parents who hover over and try to control their children, the snow plow parents take it a step further. They try to bulldoze every obstacle their child might face to clear a path for success. Is this the best thing for their children? Shouldn’t children have to find their own way and do what is best for them? While these parents may have good intentions, are they harming the same children they are committed to helping?
When a child has to face obstacles they learn valuable lessons. They learn to think creatively about how to overcome the obstacle. They learn resilience in the face of challenges. They learn how to put their mind to something in order to succeed. If we take every obstacle and plow it down we are denying them these teachable moments. If we are handing them everything we think they want, are we really listening to what they want and need out of life? Every one of us learned from our mistakes and children should be allowed to do so as well.
I reached out to fellow Mom-Blogger, Jackie Hennessey, to get her take on this. As the mom of a high school senior, I knew she would be following this story as well. Her feelings mirrored my own. “As a mother of a high school senior, news of this college admissions scandal was like a slap in the face. What kind of example are we setting for our kids if the parents are the ones lying and cheating to get their kids into top schools? How will that prepare them to succeed if it’s built on a lie? How can they do well at a school they aren’t qualified to go to in the first place?”
My daughter is starting high school next year and we will be doing this college search soon enough. As her mother, I may think I know what is best for her. What parent does not start thinking about the Ivy League while their child is in diapers? However, she may come to me and say she wants to start at community college. She may decide to attend a trade school. She may want to take a gap year or two to figure things out. She would certainly not benefit from going down a path that is not the right one for her, even if it is the traditional choice I may have had in mind. My job as a parent is to give her the value system to make a good choice and then support her decision – not show her that lying and cheating are valid choices.
Jackie added, “My husband and I strive to teach our kids to be honest and to try their best. Through the years, if they didn’t do well on a test or didn’t run the fastest race, as a parent, you put rules in place and encourage them. That’s all you can do. You teach your child to deal with the consequences and move on.” As her son heads off to the University of Arizona, with a merit scholarship, she says, “I can sleep because I know he did it on his own and this school is where he is meant to be.”
Rather than continue to be discouraged by stories such as this, let’s take it as an opportunity to have honest conversations with our children. We need to encourage them to try new things, make mistakes and pick themselves up to try again another day. We need to provide a cushion for them to fall on – not take a battering ram to any adversity in their way. Most of all, we need to listen to their true dreams and goals and let them follow them, even if it is not the goals we may have had in mind.
