Making Mom Friends: The Upside to Letting Go of Down Time

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Before I became a parent, I would look at my friends who had kids and their entire lives revolved around activities. Week days were filled with dance classes and practices, on the weekends birthday parties and sleepovers. I DREADED it and swore once I had kids of my own, I would never live my life like that.

And when I first became a mom, I held pretty tightly to that proclamation. I almost prided myself on being an “under scheduler.” While my husband was working, we hit the grocery store, the playground, and went on plenty of Target runs, but there were a lot of days when we didn’t leave the house at all. Elmo and the backyard kiddie pool were our go to activities. I really enjoyed staying home and the baby didn’t seem to mind. It worked for us. Until it didn’t.

Eventually I started to feel lonely and even a little isolated. Not something a new mom needs on top of learning how to be a new mom! Of course we had the occasional play date, but most of my friends either didn’t have children or had started their families much earlier in life. Not to say they weren’t there for me, but their kids were older and their lives were, well… busy. So I hung in there, spent a lot of time with my mom and threw another baby into the mix.

A year ago we moved to a new town just before my  daughter started kindergarten, and something happened. We met the neighbors at bus stop and I felt like screaming, “other families with kids lived here!!” I don’t know why this caught me off guard, but it did. I remember being so happy about it, it almost kept me from crying as my baby got on the bus and drove away. ALMOST.

 

Then after a couple of weeks in school my daughter made some friends. And get this, those friends? They had MOTHERS. Shocking, I know.

At first, the play dates and get togethers at the zoo were somewhat awkward. Honestly, I imagine this is what going on a blind date must feel like and I was going on them over and over. The only thing missing was a glass of wine. Looking back now, I probably could’ve had one and none of these women would’ve batted an eye. “Do they like me? Do they like my kid? When will we see them again?” These are the things that ran through my mind. Maybe it all sounds insecure and maybe I am slightly exaggerating. But let’s face it… making mom friends is hard! Kudos to those who find it easy.

Soon enough we found a group of kids and moms both of us enjoyed hanging out with. Suddenly, I didn’t cringe or look at the calendar five times before responding to a birthday party invite. On top of that, I volunteered at school and fell in love with our neighborhood and the people in it. I’m thankful every day our girls get to grow up here.

So now that fall is here, the kids are back in school, and soccer season is in full swing, I have confession to make. I actually find myself looking forward to the schedule that comes with it all. I enjoy hanging out at the soccer field on Saturdays and sitting with our neighbors. I love going to school events or dance classes and catching up with the families we didn’t get to see over the summer. 

As for that “under-scheduled” new mom that existed five years ago, she’s still there. I do believe time spent together doing much of nothing is just as valuable as time spent at activities and social events. We have a rule in our house: only two activities at once.  I also try really hard not to make plans for both weekend days. This gives us the down time we need as a family and the time I need to rest my brain. Both, in my opinion, are essential to keeping a happy home.

But the dread I once felt watching my friends play hockey mom and PTO mom is all but gone. I get it now. It’s not just about getting your kids involved; it’s about getting yourself involved. It’s about meeting other moms (or dads) who are in the same boat. The ones you can text at night when you need help with common core math (don’t judge!) And if you’re lucky, the ones who will pick your kid up when you’re late meeting the bus and meet you for dinner after a rough week. 

On that first day of kindergarten last year when we have moved to a new town, a new neighborhood, I attempted to ease my daughters nerves by telling her school would be fun and she would make new friends. What I didn’t  count on is that I would make them too.