So you have a lot of Facebook friends. More on Twitter or Instagram? That’s awesome. But social media aside, how do you feel about your friends? The people you surround yourself with on a daily, weekly or monthly basis? Are they true friends? Or do you often feel like finding true friends isn’t as easy as you thought? (Especially since becoming a mom?)
It’s hard to admit, but I get it. I feel you. I understand more than you could ever know.
I moved back to Rhode Island, my husband’s home state, more than a dozen years ago. And when I did, I was a bit naïve about making mom friends in a new neighborhood. Naïve about moms and their motives. Growing up in Texas then moving to East Greenwich, Rhode Island in high school, then back to Texas and then Seattle for another decade (sigh), I honestly thought it would be easy to transition to a suburb outside of Providence with a toddler and another baby on the way. But it wasn’t easy.
I’m a social butterfly at heart and although moving can be hard, I’ve learned to adapt to my surroundings. Adapt to change. And I have made a lot of amazing friends along the way.
But I also learned who my true friends are. Without naming names, let’s just say since becoming a mom, I learned a lot about toxic people. And I grew up. And grew brave.
One of my best friends is a very positive person and she has taught me a lot about true friendship. Unconditional friendship. Friendship without flakiness. Or pettiness. Or judgment. I’m so grateful for her friendship and positive outlook.
When I became a new mom, I wish I had a manual of some kind to help me distinguish between a true friend and a toxic Tammy. A friend and a future frenemy. A faux friend and the real deal.
It’s not that easy. Like anything, you have to live and learn. I’m grateful for genuine, close friends. The kind you have for a long time but may not get to see often, and without effort, can literally pick up where you left off. It’s so refreshing. I made a lot of great friends and have maintained true friendships since becoming a mom.
But I also learned that there are some friends who appear to be true and can turn on you. Just like that.
I remember telling a work friend (who became a very close friend in a very short amount of time) about a person I had considered to be a close friend. After moving here, about a year went by and out of nowhere, this close friend stopped returning my calls, texts, and emails. There was no argument or major event that shouted that we were no longer friends. Just her odd, often rude behavior. We were very close for a long time, so I just assumed she was busy. Then my dear work friend said something to me that opened my eyes. “She doesn’t sound like a good friend to me.” And you know what? She was right. That person was ignoring me on purpose and I, often the optimist who tries to think the best of everyone, was temporarily blind to her complacent behavior. This person was not treating me well and it took me a while to realize the friendship wasn’t meant to be. We didn’t share the same values and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t change myself or her mind. And why should I? I like who I am. I could send her love and light, but I didn’t have to put up with her behavior anymore. Because I had moved on and as a result, made even more meaningful friendships.
So, you live and learn.
And sometimes get hurt a little. Or a lot. But you also grow and find even more magical people along the way. Friends who are even more genuine. More authentic. I want to say “more better,” but that’s not the proper way to say it.
The little girl in me often relies on what my mom taught me about friendship. That you treat others the way you would want to be treated. It’s pretty simple.
Do you remember the Girl Scouts’ song, “Silver and Gold?”
Without getting all sappy: “Make new friends and keep the old. Some are silver and the other gold.”
I’m 46 and I still see the truth in this.