“Please don’t judge me, I need help.”
This was the leading line of a mother’s Facebook post seeking advice regarding her two-year-o
ld’s pacifier use.
Many weighed in. There was the typical usual “cut the tip off the of the pacifier” trick, or “have the pacifier fairy visit.” One response was to “just take it away,” another seemingly boasted “my child wasn’t ever interested in one.”
If halting a child’s pacifier use was simple, there would be no advice to seek. Each child is different of course. I am quite for some kids, “just taking it away” works. But many of us know the struggle of not knowing how your child will react or when the time is right. And, frankly, if someone is looking for guidance on this front, telling them your child wasn’t a pacifier user isn’t helpful.
Wouldn’t it be nice if a mother could post such a question without fear of being judged?
My older son loved his pacifier, specifically those big green pacifiers they provide at the hospital. He used one at naps and bedtime until his 4th birthday. Today he is a perfectly happy, healthy, intelligent 7 1/2-year-old boy.
Did you hear me in the back?
Look, I initially did not want my son to use a pacifier. Convinced I would be a rockstar breastfeeder (spoiler: I wasn’t), I was afraid of nipple confusion. I had also read parenting articles that likely tricked me into believing I’d ruin my child with a pacifier’s sheer presence.
Alas, on a particularly rough evening when he was only days old, we relented and gave him the “paci” (as we called it). It was magic. If we gave him his paci after he’d been fed or changed, he calmed right down. As he began sleeping in his own crib, we scattered extras so that he could reach and find one during the night should the one he was using disappear. Shortly after his first birthday, we limited his use of the paci to naps, bedtime, diaper changes, and car rides. A few months later he was only using his paci while he slept.
And did he sleep! No fighting to go to bed, no getting up out of bed. My husband and I were well rested, which meant that we were happy too.
Before I knew it, at his 3 year well visit, 6 months pregnant with my second, I was telling our pediatrician he was still using his paci for sleeping. Because my son slept well while using it and was about to experience big changes with a new sibling, a new bed, and bedroom, she suggested we not introduce another change. She also indicated that we should enjoy the rest we were getting with another baby on the way.
Several months later, we were finally in the routine of being a family of 4. We started talking to my son about giving up his pacifier here and there. If he got acclimated to the idea, we hoped no-paci life wouldn’t be the traumatic experience we anticipated it would be. Our second born was sleeping really well at this point and the thought of moving backward in the sleep department was downright scary. So, we continued to put it off.
A few months before his 4th birthday, my son informed us he would stop using his paci on his birthday. We were excited he independently made this declaration! But, buyer’s remorse is a real thing. I can’t say we expected him to follow through. Nevertheless, he would remind us periodically about his “promise.” “It won’t be that easy,” we’d say to each other.
Guess what? IT WAS THAT EASY. The morning of his 4th birthday, he handed me the paci like every morning and said: “I won’t need this anymore.” He never asked for it again. Done. We were shocked and elated. His affinity for sleep never really changed and life went on status quo, sans paci.
So, you might be asking yourself “what the point of this story?”
My point is, every child and every parent is different.
Some parents are okay with kids having pacifiers, others aren’t. Some kids love pacifiers, some don’t. Some use a pacifier until their fourth birthday, others (like my younger son) are indifferent and stop using one much sooner. That doesn’t make one of my kids any better than the other. They are both awesome and your kid is too, Mom-who-is-self-conscious-her-child-uses-a-pacifier.
As parents, I think we should try not to rush our kids toward “accomplishments.” Since when do we need to parent on a deadline? If we had taken away my son’s pacifier sooner, when he likely was not ready, I know there would have been sleepless nights, and tears would have been shed (not just by him). Maybe he would have started sucking his thumb instead, which would have been another problem.
Heck, maybe I am over-dramatizing and he would have stopped using it without a fight. But you know what? I’m happy that it played out the way it did. It worked for us, and for him. And that’s all that mattered. Period.
If you have concerns, talk to your pediatrician and do what you feel is right for your child and you. Don’t conform to what others think and their arbitrary timelines or feel guilty about YOUR choices.
And Mama, please know that there’s a whole slew of us who know how much your kid loves that pacifier, and we aren’t going to judge you for it.
