As we embark on our son’s first birthday, I’m realizing the importance of reflecting on a year of transition, change, growth, survival, and loss.
The first year has been a giant roller coaster of excitement, suspense, thrill, and a whole lot of tears (someone, please tell me that I’m not the only one crying over here) that are mostly irrational. Being a mom is a rush of emotions that I wasn’t prepared for.
I remember the first time I really didn’t think I would “make it” as a mom. He had woken up for the fourth time that night and I walked into his room and just stood there in a daze. I considered walking back into my room and getting under the covers and just turning it all off. I didn’t think I could do it anymore. I was sick of pumping, washing parts, and making bottles.
I was grieving my old life and transitioning to this confusing new life at exactly the same time. I wanted to give up. A mother’s instinct (something I didn’t even realize I had) propelled me to keep going each day until it became a little bit easier. There were nights when putting him to sleep just couldn’t come soon enough and other times when I just wanted to hear that giggle a little longer, read one more story, give him one more kiss.
Everyone talks about having a baby as being the hardest and best thing you’ll ever do. The problem is that no one tells you that it’s okay to mourn the loss of your old life while celebrating this amazing blessing. No one tells you that it’s okay to break out the wine after a rough day or to call your friends and just sob. No one tells you that breastfeeding isn’t the be all end all. No one tells you to trust your instincts and to pat yourself on the back for a job well done. No one tells you that it’s all normal and that everything really is okay.
It’s not easy to flip a switch and completely change your life, but that’s exactly what you do when you have a baby. All of a sudden our little family of two became three and we’re still adjusting. Our weekends of sleeping in and dining al fresco are over for a bit. We’ve traded trips to Austin and New York City for Storyland and Edaville, and it’s actually been a blast. A year ago, I didn’t know what to expect, but this is far better than I could have even imagined. We’re making new memories as a family and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.